It's not you, it's me.

A friend of mine called my attention to the fact that my blog postings are, although thoughtful and interesting[thanks Jenn;that was generous!], few and far between. I wish I could excuse this sparsity with being busy, which is partially true, but there are other factors at play which I need to do some work on. Namely, my low supply of intentionality and reflection in my practice. Both of the latter were, almost, the sole purpose of starting this blog to begin with.The other, public forum, side of blogging is just good for accountability and openness; I like being able to share my heart and passion with those close to me. The fact that I don't often blog is actually indicative of the fact that I don't often reflect on where I am at in my motivations for and practice in teaching. We'll leave how it mirrors my ability to be open with those close to me for another day.Now, onto a little introspection...

Last week I was convicted again in my belief that you get back what you put out as far as energy, vibes, what have you, in the classroom. What I had been getting back for a stretch of a couple weeks was a lot of attitude and only a little motivation. Following the belief stated above, you can guess what I had been putting out. Looking back, it has been a go-to pattern of mine to revert into a routine of 'going through the motions' when I feel busy or overwhelmed externally and internally. That's okay I suppose, but I can't expect the same returns as when I am giving 110% and staying connected to the heart of what I want to do in these students' lives. A week ago I found myself feeling frustrated and annoyed that the positive dynamic we (my students and I) had going had seemed literally to have left the building. The sad thing is, I was annoyed with my students first. Blaming them, and honestly, even some of their parents for undesirable behaviors and patterns rather than taking responsibility for the only variable I can actually control in the equation, myself. When I made this mental switch and 'stepped my game up' things almost immediately turned around. I had two of my best teaching days this past Thursday and Friday. This was mostly because I planned lessons and supporting activities intentionally and I took responsibility for making sure that I was providing a positive environment for them to learn in through my words and actions. They deserve that and I'm called to that standard. I'm sure I'll slip many times to come in this area, but hopefully not for weeks at a time again. If my students were aware of this at all, I'd like to apologize to them and say the classic line a bit out of it's usual context: it's not you, it's me.